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User blog:KidVegeta/KidVegeta's reviews
These reviews are just my opinions. I do not claim to be better or worse than anyone else here. But that's not to say I won't be critical. That I won't be unforgiving. That I won't go out of my way to list 100 cons for your story in a heartbeat. I will, and gladly. Remember gents; I didn't give you an E-. You gave yourself an E- when you decided to sit down and post your atrocity for all of us to see. I'm simply here to call you out on it. So grab ahold of your mommies gents, this is gonna be one long ride. RATINGS: S''' (highest) - Exceptional/perfect '''A - Great/good B''' - Average '''C - Below average D''' - Poor '''E (lowest) - Bad/horrible Comedy Story Ratings: O + (highest) O R + R R - (lowest) Auxiliary Pages (Blogs/User Pages/etc) Rated from: 0.1 - 10.0 What I Like/Dislike in Fan Fiction *I do not like fanon Super Saiyan levels. I'm not saying it can't be done well, but not a single person has ever created a good fanon transformation yet. Many have a hard enough to time writing with the forms that do exist. Which isn't really meant as a blame to anyone, as Goku's SS1 and Gohan's SS2 (and really ss1 too, for him) were poorly written by Toriyama. So it's hard to write something better than what the grand master has created; I get that. So don't attempt it, please, if you aren't good enough. While Super Saiyan 5 in theory could work, you would have to be writing at a near-perfect level, and I don't think many people have that ability. *Your story must be well-written. Poor grammar and spelling, no matter how good the rest of it is, is simply unacceptable. We live in a society. You are educated, and you are expected to be able to function and express yourself coherently. *Character development is a must. I don't care about Stus and random Saiyans coming to Earth out of nowhere. And that happens in nearly every fic. Don't. Do. It. It's bad writing, and it's unoriginal. And it's a great way to make your story unmemorable. *I find Dragon Ball GT, AF, Multiverse, and Episode of Bardock (and many more!) to be utter garbage. If you are 'inspired' by those, there is not going to be much hope for you in my reviews. Being how low-quality all of them are, it would take a masterful writer to create something better... and if you do like those types of things, I highly doubt you could surpass those you are inspired by. *I prefer stories about Saiyans, PTO soldiers, or people on my Top 20 list. However, a well-written story can be about anyone. I just prefer those who I like more. A story I like called Tien: Origins (it's a really, really well-made fanon and you should definitely check it out) is about Tien and I actually do not like Tien at all. So, if anything is written well enough, it will receive the appropriate grade. Bias is a non-factor. *I rate and review stories based on a higher level than simply fan-fiction. I expect stories to be of publishable quality. I expect stories to be perfect - and I hope that they are perfect. While this goal is ultimately unrealistic, there is no use in lowering standards, as that simply encourages people to continue being awful. *I will rarely re-review. If you want me to review something, make sure the story is finished. Exceptions generally go out to reboots or to stories that have exceptionally long sagas. *If you bitch about my review(s) of your article(s) and do not take my advice in the pros and cons into consideration, I likely will not review anything else of yours in the future. Reviewing takes a great deal of effort, as I have to read over your story/page multiple times and then write thoughts on nearly every part of it. This can take many hours for longer stories. I put for my fullest effort when reviewing any page, and I expect those who get reviews to also put their fullest effort into improving their page in the ways I describe within the reviews. Reviews are primarily a tool for me to try and help writers improve. So if you don't want to take my advice, then you won't improve, and you are simply wasting my time. A comment on Lau's blog Pros #Beautiful spelling and grammar. Cons #Terrible avatar. #What the hell kind of a name is Redder? #Redder's dialogue is hideous. #There most certainly not be blood. #Redder isn't an admin so he can't do anything. In fact, Redder doesn't even exist. #There is no need to post in all caps. #What the fuck is this, some random roleplay with yourself? #Standing up and rolling his sleeve back? That is so stupid. He's a Saiyan. He's a warrior. He wouldn't act like a teenage motherfucking girl. #Redder isn't real you fuckwit. You don't exist with him. You can't have a conversation with him. #You wouldn't have the strength to hold him back. Stop overpowering yourself. That is a classic Zeon mistake. #Discourage joining the wiki? Did you even open the page? SS11 said he would ban anyone who edited on the wiki. #Redder with the anime angry face is one of the lamest things I have ever read. #It doesn't change anything? Does Redder even think before he spouts out his nonsense? If no one joins the wiki then the wiki will have no impact. #Again, no need for caps lock. You aren't even using an exclamation point. It's so pointless. #Again, Redder has no admin rights so he can't punish SS11. He isn't a part of the community either, so he has no say in what will happen. #What rule is SS11 breaking that would send Redder into hysteria? Because I sure don't see anything. #An actual human being sat down at their computer, brought up this blog and wrote this. I want that to sink in. An actual human being wrote this. Not only did he write it, but then he went and posted it, deeming it to be of quality high enough to show other people. That is unbelievable to me. #No Zeon response. What happened to fucking calming down your OC? #This was posted 8 days ago from when I reviewed this. The blog was posted around 6 months ago. Suffice to say, Zeon's response is very late. Final Thoughts: This makes me feel bad for Zeon. He shows signs of mental illness by thinking his OCs are real, living beings. He also lacks the ability to distinguish the real world from the anime world, and thinks he lives in both simultaneously. And that's quite pathetic. Worst of all, I think, is the fact that not only did he write this exchange, but he read it over and then posted it. That boggles my mind. Final Rating: 0.1/10 Redder Pros #Good spelling and grammar throughout the page. #Good use of templates and headers. #Good job being in the RB DLC. #Mostly good list of techniques, although the fanon ones could use pages. #Good appearance section. It's very detailed, like any appearance section should be. #"I thought I told you..... DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TOUCH MY FRIENDS!" – this isn’t a bad quote, and I think it could take over his quote for the top of the page, as it’s better than the one there currently. Cons #His name is terrible. Raditz is already a pun on raddish - and it's a significantly better one than Redder. There are plenty of vegetables that are unused in the canon universe. Also being punned on red itself is nonsensical and not true to standard Saiyan etymons. #His opening quote is incredibly poorly worded. It's awkward and lame to read. Nobody would truly say those words. Not to mention Jose is the most anticlimactic name for an enemy I’ve ever seen. #Redder's picture doesn't look Saiyan-like whatsoever. #Redder's picture doesn't have a tail. And don't say that it could be hidden, because there is no bulge around his waist. And if it was cut off, then that needs to be explained (how/why/etc). #Redder's origin is the most lazy thing I have ever seen amongst the myriad of fanon Saiyans on this site. He just wakes up and he's on Earth. No explanation as to how, why, or even at what age this occurred. We don’t even know how old he is, either. This is incredibly poor writing. #There is no reason to change his manga name to an even inferior name. #No year of birth. How can he know what day he was born on, but not the year? #The height in his appearance is in confliction with his height in the infobox. #No explanation for why Redder does not have the standard Saiyan-like qualities. Simply stating he doesn't remember anything is not good enough. #Being a Saiyan, how does he have the mind and body to be naturally good at chess? That is nonsense. #Again, he's basically an anti-Saiyan, personality-wise. There needs to be a reason as to why. I have a feeling that this character is just based off the author, or a character the author likes, and was made a Saiyan for no other reason than to get the transformations. He doesn't act nor look like a Saiyan, so I don't see another explanation. #"While Redder can sustain amazing amounts of damage from opponents he wishes to harm with all his heart, against friends he can take much less damage before reaching his limit, as well as being unable to activate his various Super Saiyan forms, as shown when he could not lay a single finger on a mind-controlled Sid." - That is unreadable. #Redder doesn't have any actual faults in personality. The author could work on adding some faults to make him more believable and less overpowered/stale. #The techniques section for non-combative was taken from Ledas' page. I had to remove the move Dire Howl from Redder's page because that is a fanon move that Zeon1 didn't catch. #No explanation for how Redder knows multiple canon moves of other Z-fighters. #Just occurred to me, but if he doesn't remember anything, how does Redder remember his name? It's not explained on the page. #"God's Blast Zakera" is a nonsense name. #"However, Redder cannot maintain the neccessary Ki to use this technique for more than a day, and as such, the Full Power Super Saiyan form is impossible for him to achieve, although he activated it for a breif moment against Jose in their first round, before collapsing from the lack of Ki required to sustain that amount of power." - this is nonsensical for several reasons. For one, FPSS is the most energy-conservative Super Saiyan form there is. It's not even really a form in that it doesn't require more ki than normal Super Saiyan. It's just mastery of the Super Saiyan 1 form. Not having the ki to maintain FPSS means he wouldn't have the ki for SS1 in general. Once someone can use FPSS, it takes significantly less ki to maintain than any other Super Saiyan form. #Also, since Redder can go Super Saiyan 2 and Super Saiyan God, the ki needed to maintain Super Saiyan 1 would be much less. This just appears to be an attempt to balance the character by giving him a fault, but it doesn't work, since it's in confliction with how the DBZ universe works. #The major quotes section is completely unneeded. Work on filling out the history section first. I think there is only one quote in all six that should even stay, and it should probably take over as the top quote, as it's better worded than his main quote currently. #"Some people say I might be hyperactive. I disagree with that statement; I AM hyperactive." - how old is he? Judging by his picture, he's in his teens. That would be completely unrealistic for him to say. #"OMG CAKE!" - first of all, you are abbreviated "oh my god", which shows a severe lack of professionalism. Secondly, this doesn't seem Saiyan-like at all. #"My greatest weakness is that I care too much." - that is such a douchey quote. I suggest removing it. #"I'm gonna be the best... like no one ever was." - This reference is terrible because, along with the other quotes, it's just reinforcing his extremely cocky attitude about himself. He's not an enjoyable character at all. I can’t connect to him, as a reader. He (or the author) just loves himself too much. #"There is nothing in this universe that isn't precious to me!" - Really now? So he finds the shit of Jose to be precious. He finds piss fetishes precious. He finds furries precious. He finds gay porn precious. He finds murders to be precious. And I can keep naming things all night. What the fuck is wrong with Redder? Terrible quote. Final Thoughts: Redder is, quite simply, a human who's a Saiyan solely for the transformations. He has literally no reason to be a Saiyan. He doesn't have a Saiyan personality. His method of getting to Earth is unexplained and, quite frankly, needs to be removed. His age isn't even known, and there is no mention of his tail anywhere. His personality is probably one of his more suspect areas, as Redder seems to be quite the hyperactive kid - and though I can't say what his age is, his picture makes him look like he's too old to act like that. He doesn't have any faults that are actual faults. His two, with not being able to go SS against friends and not being able to go FPSS because of the energy it would take, have both been disproven by me in the cons above. Neither holds any merit because neither is legitimate. I think Redder could use more faults, a more serious personality, and more connection with his actual race. As of now, he's just a human who can go Super Saiyan. Final Rating: E''' Two Pros #I like how this one is about Zarbon and his girlfriend, thus making the name of the story relevant. This was also something I appreciated in One with Yamcha's isolation (hopefully it will continue). #The spelling and grammar is very good. I'd give it around a 9/10. #I like the isolation of Zarbon in the beginning. He's quiet amongst a sea of noise, which seems to symbolize (intentionally or not) his separation from his race as a whole. #Despite me not liking the fine drink being imported from Yardrat, I like that Zarbon likes it (where most of his race doesn't). There's elitism and elegance in that, that is very in-line with his canon character. #I love that Zarbon's girlfriend is a golddigger. Also, fuck her. The genius of her character is that she is "morally" right, but she's such a detestable person that she isn't a sympathetic character. When Zarbon kills her, I'm on Zarbon's side, which is a bit of marvelous writing. #I enjoy the little tidbit about Zarbon not paying for his fine nectar. #Zarbon's transformation was logical, within the confines of the story. #The description of the girlfriend's death was my favorite part of the story. #I like the fact that Zarbon doesn't regret that he kills his girlfriend, but more that she didn't want to go with him and that he had to use his ugly form. #I like that Zarbon doesn't achieve mental victory throughout the story. He's lost at the end, despite physically mauling his girlfriend. I like that it ended there because it barely allows the reader time to absorb what he did before it's all over. So leaving Zarbon in a state of limbo and uncertainty was an excellent idea. Cons #I don't like how Zarbon's planet is basically a recolored Earth. I think they could have different customs and whatnot. Having candles and human-like restaurants just doesn't seem right to me. #"The woman looked up at him, eyes bright. “For what? You're already the captain here.” - There shouldn't be paragraph separation here. #The connection with Yardrat is rather forced. Considering Yardrat wasn't part of the Planet Trade Organization, I don't think they would trade with a planet within that Organization for fear of being punished as much as being noticed by leaders, and thus getting absorbed into the empire, themselves. #How would his girlfriend know about Frieza? Since Frieza is so powerful, he should have already annexed Zarbon's planet for anyone to know about him. But he hasn't. So this part doesn’t make sense. #I don't really like that Zarbon has a girlfriend. I prefer him either not having any mate, or being with another male. #Zarbon was always a very elegant man. I believe that a video game mentioned that he was a Prince as well (of course, you don't have to use video games as canon). You can remove that, but the fact remains that Frieza usually only took the most powerful member from each planet he would otherwise destroy (Zarbon being the member of his planet, Prince Vegeta being the member of his, Dodoria being the member of his, etc). Zarbon being royalty would make this seem more logical. As a simple man in a restaurant arguing with his girlfriend, I don't get the impression that he is anyone special. He’s mentioned in passing to be a captain – but the meaning behind this is never divulged. Captain of what, exactly? Why would this make him Frieza’s go-to man anyway? #When Zarbon talks with his girlfriend, I don't feel like I'm reading about Zarbon. It doesn't sound like him. I don't like any of the dialogue. #I don't think Zarbon should have sworn. #I don't get why Zarbon is so angry at his girlfriend for asking him about his job when he was the one who brought it up in the first place. #"“Zarbon, what the hell?” the woman shrieked, beginning to run away from him." - that is a very "human" piece of dialogue. I don't think someone on another planet would say something like that. #Again, there's no explanation for why Frieza took Zarbon as a soldier and decided to kill everyone else. This requires explanation in the text. Zarbon just talks about it as if it makes sense just in general, which it does not. #Zarbon snarled. “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? I know better than to disobey Frieza.” His tone lightened. “But – I've got good news!..." needs to be re-written slightly. There should be a comma after "disobey Frieza" and "His" should not be capitalized. #"These two sentences unleashed a myriad of emotions from Zarbon, as he finally rose to a tipping point." reads less awkwardly without the comma before "as". #I think it's weird that his girlfriend never got the chance to respond to Zarbon's rant. It would have worked better if she had been given one last response. #Why would Zarbon throw his girlfriend's corpse into the open road where other people could see it? That seems needless and careless to the extent that it's unnecessary. Adding the fact that no one does notice it makes that description rather pointless. #I feel like there was a missed opportunity with Zarbon's transformation. You could have talked about how ugly it made him, how much he reviled becoming like that. You mention it a bit, but I think it could have taken up a larger thematic focus of the story. Final Thoughts: I think that with this story, the main problem I had was that it didn't feel like it was about Zarbon. Much of the dialogue he had with his girlfriend wasn't anything he would ever say. Some of the aspects of the story were also unimpressive - mainly the setting and the fact that Zarbon had been "chosen" by Frieza rather randomly. The plot and writing was technically impressive, however. There were only a few awkward sentences and grammar slipups, but that was still the strongest part of the story. I liked Zarbon's transformation. That one of the few moments that he seemed in character. That moment was slightly mishandled, as I wished that more time was spent on the description of what he looked like in that form and how it made him feel having to transform (as opposed to spending paragraphs on describing the restaurant in the beginning, which was a waste of words for the 1222). The biggest flaw of this story is that it doesn't really seem like a scenario that Zarbon would ever be in, both because the scenery and setup seems unrealistic and he isn't in character for much of the story. While I appreciate the other aspects of the plot, I don't think this was a very successful portrayal of Zarbon. It would have worked better, perhaps, with a different character. Maybe Burter, Ginyu, or even Cui. As it stands, I think that this is one of the weakest (serious) stories in Destructivedisk’s repertoire. Final Rating: 'C-' Three Pros #It's very good how Mr. Satan feels helpless when thinking about the Cell Games. More so than any other character, he wears a public disguise, and it's cool to see him in private, distressing over his all too real powerlessness. #The part about Mr. Satan wanting to grow old to forget his memories is fantastic. #I like how Mr. Satan laments about training and training and training and not getting anywhere. I mean, when you look at him, he's a great martial artist, for a human. But he can't really feel proud, because there are so many inhuman guys on Earth. So he has unreal expectations, which is another interesting personality point. #It's true that Mr. Satan always knew that he was weaker than the Z Fighters. But the fact that you have him use that knowledge to have him convince himself that he needs to maintain his public image is noteworthy and cool. Mr. Satan's character is pitiful. He is weak, compared to the Z Fighters, but he is desperate to maintain his image, to maintain relevance. And that is something that everyone wants in life. Despite him being a champion, a rich man, and a celebrity, he can lose it all in an instant and be forgotten by all. So I think it's awesome that this was brought up. #I love that Mr. Satan has a moment of weakness and slips back to drinking alcohol. This is very well-written. #It's interesting how Mr. Satan doesn't have anyone in his house. I guess he has no true friends - just those who want to leech off his fame and fortune. Again, this is exceptionally written. #The punching bag, to me, represents Mr. Satan's life before he know about the Z Fighters, before he guessed he wasn't the strongest in the world. So when he goes in to view it, it's almost like he's looking back on his life and seeing how far he's come. So when it’s torn and broken, that symbolizes how he’s become. I really like this scene. #Mr. Satan being unable to tear the punching bag just epitomizes his ineffectiveness, which is great. #The writing is very good. It isn't overly elegant - which suits Mr. Satan's perspective - but it also isn't awkward in most places. The words run smoothly, and I didn't reach many parts where the pace became choppy. #Good use of Olibu. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but this is actually one of the most ingenious pieces of writing I have ever found. First off, it shows Mr. Satan's personality. The fact that he would buy that coffee over others speaks volumes. Additionally, the fact that a heroic figure is needed for an item to be sold brings the narrative back to the theme introduced near the beginning of the story: that of the necessity to maintain fame and never be forgotten. As Mr. Satan struggles with that, here he goes, taking from the Olibu Coffee, not even realizing what he's doing. Cons #"Like a choir boy, his voice was clear and sharp, chiming in like a cherub." - There shouldn't be two comparisons within the same sentence. #Mark’s friend chuckled, more than a note of condescension in his voice. “You need something to chase it with?” - they should both be on the same line. #I think that Mr. Satan’s age at the beginning should have been revealed. It would have strengthened the plot the younger he was. #"No bad dream fucker was going to boss him around." I don't feel like this Elliott Smith reference really captures Satan's personality. #I think you use the name Mr. Satan too much. Hercule or even Mark could be a substitute every now and then. #"heroic hero" is bland writing. There are so many better adjectives that could have been used there. #Getting to the end of the story, I expected something more to come from the earlier flashback. Maybe he sees the old friend, someone calls him Mark, etc. I think this was a missed opportunity. I understand the flashback had implications simply with the alcohol, but it could have had more relevance if there was something added to the end. Final Thoughts: Three is a great story. It is character-driven, and there are numerous themes presented. Using Mr. Satan was also a good idea, as Destructivedisk is easily able to keep him in character while at the same time expanding his character. As I mentioned above, Mr. Satan is such a cool character because he wears a public disguise. There is much room to explore his inner thoughts on vanity and fame. And Destructivedisk executed all of this very well. I think this story was helped by the fact that most of the dialogue was inside Mr. Satan's head. The pace flowed very smoothly because of this. Him lamenting about the Cell Games and about Videl not being around puts this probably post-Buu (or just before). Like in One, the timeline isn't exactly revealed, but I think it works more here. Perhaps my favorite part of this story is the fact that Mr. Satan is alone to begin with. He's a rich, power celebrity. And yet there's no one there for him when he needs it most. Sure, he turns to alcohol and later coffee, but he has no emotional connections with human beings. He can't even tell anyone about his inner turmoil about not being the strongest anymore. And Destructivedisk captured all of this beautifully. While I have a few cons, they are all pretty minor. I think this is one of the best stories on the site, not to mention one of Destructivedisk's finest works. Final Rating: '''S Four Pros #The descriptions of the birds in the opening paragraphs are quite good. Their erratic energy is really captured well in the text. #The scene with Tao and the man in the room are well done. I particularly liked the stuff about the man being faceless in his chair. It was really great imagery. #The dialogue of Tao and the man in the room is pretty good. I can imagine Tao saying what was written there. #"Of all the times he had come to this dark house, never once had he come for the conversation." is a great line. #I'm getting a real Cowboy Bebop vibe with this story. The Red Dragon gang and Tao's use of heroin remind me particularly of the first episode. #Tao's scaling of the building was a really great nod to his scaling of Korin Tower. #Tao hating smoke but loving cocaine is a great bit of hypocrisy in his character. Overall, Tao's characterization is well done, but this is one of my favorite bits of it in this story. #It was good to reintroduce the birds as soon as Tao left the building. The fact that they influence his choice of movement is also significant in that it really shows their influence on him, even if he's stated before that he doesn't care about any birds. #I thought it was funny how Tao didn't know anyone who could teach him how to fly, even though his own brother clearly knew how to teach the technique. That was a nice, subtle reference. #Loved the bit about Tao looking into the man's eyes and soaking in the fear. Really great in-character moment. Tao is a terrifying villain because of moments like this. #The scene of Tao killing the man was well written and interesting. All of the moves Tao did seemed natural. I had a clear mental image of it the entire time while reading. Especially when he slapped the man into the side of the building, that seemed like a moment straight out of Tao's appearances in Dragon Ball. Great stuff. #I enjoyed the theme with the birds and Tao throughout the story. It kind of died at the end of the story a bit without including any actual birds, but it was still present. His erratic nature, always shooting this way and that draws great parallels with bird behavior. In a way, especially because Tao can't fly, he seems to be lost. Even though he's a successful assassin and loves killing, he lacks conviction and a greater purpose, and his aimless running around illustrates that well. Cons #The paragraphs in the opening of the story are too short for my taste. The second and third paragraph were each only a sentence long. The second paragraph should have been part of the first. The third one works better as a standalone sentence, but it's weakened by the formatting of second paragraph just before it. This occurs throughout the story, and there's really no need for it, quite honestly. Most of the short/one sentence paragraphs could be combined with the paragraph above them. It would create better flow. #Because bluejays are the birds being used, talons aren't really appropriate descriptors for them. Talons are for larger birds. #A personal gripe, but I think there was a missed opportunity with using bluejays. Using a crane would have been so much more powerful, both thematically and narratively, especially since cranes wouldn't be particularly common in cities (thus, connecting them with Tao's uniqueness). Overall, I was disappointed by this not being in the story, as it seemed like a natural step to take. #If Tao is not concerned with nature, he shouldn't have put the birdseed down. It didn't seem hypocritical of him, it just read as poorly thought out. That paragraph should be re-worked. Perhaps "he could scarce think of birds in his line of work", or something like that. But saying that he didn't care about birds and then feeds them isn't good writing. It uses the word "concern" three times in a very short wordspan, which makes for tedious and boring reading. I also think that why humans were his concern should be mentioned (even if in passing) in this paragraph, as its unclear and rather pointless in its current form. #"He walked away and into the vast city center, walking along the sidewalk." - again, repetition of the same word here (walk) does not make for good writing. There are plenty of synonyms for walk which could have been used to spice up the sentence. #"Tao nodded. He gave no indication that he had accepted the compliment, and instead sat there, waiting." - the nod is acknowledgement in and of itself. The second sentence should be removed. #“I’ll make it an extra bloody one, then. I will teach them not to come here.” is not a very strong line of dialogue. The second sentence is quite awkward, both to read and speak, and it comes out as a lame attempt at being badass. That second sentence could either be reworked or just left out. It's not even needed, in truth. #When Tao's man says that the target gets coffee every afternoon, I just couldn't believe it. It doesn't seem realistic or accurate whatsoever. Tao and him have obviously been working together quite a bit, so obviously Tao finds him to be a professional contractor. He wouldn't give Tao such a wide window as the entire afternoon. It should be more precise. Tao doesn't strike me as the patient type, so he wouldn't just sit around all day waiting. #"Tao stood up, not bothering to acknowledge his acceptance of these terms. He began to turn away, toward the door, but then he turned around and refaced the man. He pulled the small baggie out of his pocket, and said to the man, “I am going to use this now.” Tao retook his seat and spilled the cocaine out on the table into five neat, although small, lines. With great haste, he used a small cylinder he found on the table to snort the lines. He stood back up, and, at last, exited the door." - I find this paragraph rather awkward. It would be more in character for Tao to either nod or not acknowledge the man and then do the cocaine. The declaration is not needed and is awkward. Inner dialogue would suffice there. #The stuff about Tao needing a master to train him how to fly doesn't seem particularly right to me. He has a lot of arrogance, so if he wanted to fly, I doubt he'd go to a master for it. Likely, he'd just try to learn himself or read a book on it. Since he knows about flight, thoug he doesn't know about who could teach it, I figured he knew about it from a book. #Tao didn't attend the Crane School. His brother founded it and he and Shen both taught at it. #"He figured that it was not quite bloody enough yet, and that much more would have to be done. Tao grabbed him around the neck and started to choke him." - these two sentences are basically unrelated. Choking someone won't make them more bloody. The first sentence should be followed by some more physical abuse that would actually result in bloodletting. #Missed opportunity with not having the birds at the end of the story. The theme introduced with them goes nowhere at the end of the story, which is not very good. Final Thoughts: Overall, Four is a very good story. It's one of the stronger ones in That Magic Feeling. The scene with Tao assassinating the man was one of the more vivid and memorable scenes of the entire collection. The use of a recurring theme throughout the story was all mostly well done, though the lack of a reference to the crane bird was a missed opportunity, in my opinion. This story has several minor problems with it, such as occasional poor word choice, awkward dialogue, awkward sentence structure, and needlessly short paragraphs. While I had problems with all of those, Tao's characterization outshined them all. In the successful TMF stories, it's primarily the characterization and in-universeness of the main character that will make or break the story. Tao was completely in character, and the added characterization with the bird-like nature and with the 'I hate smoking, but cocaine is the shit' was really well done. Those worked to expand on Tao's character in a way that still made it seem like I reading about the great assassin. Final Rating: A-''' Five Pros #The first section was a good retelling of the famous scene from Dragon Ball Z. The fight scene was described well and Nail's desperation was accurately portrayed. #Good explanation for why each tribe kept a Dragon Ball. #I like how all of the Appule aliens look the same to Nail, showing his speciesism. It's also ironic, considering how Namekians look so similar. #Despite never giving a reason as to why it's significant to Nail, the relationship he has with Guru is powerful and is the most meaningful characterization he gets in the story. #The parallel between the Frieza/Nail fight and the Nail/aliens fight is pretty good. I especially like how Nail acts so arrogantly before the aliens and is then completely humbled by Frieza. #Showing the ground becoming barren in both fights is also a good visual moment. It just shows how wars and battles totally ruin nature and the true beauty of the world. #The last line with Nail conquering Frieza (even though he did not do so in combat) was a really great moment. Nail is primarily an honorable individual, but showing that he tricked Frieza to win is a great evolution of his character. Cons #"Every part of him wanted to capitulate then by giving Frieza the password and concluding the fiasco. But Nail adhered to a higher order than his own personal desires - he had to protect Guru before himself." - If every part of Nail wanted to tell Frieza, he would have. Clearly, Nail's mind and his sense of honor are preventing him, so not every part of him is wanting to tell Frieza. #I don't feel like 'decimate' was a suitable descriptor for what Nail's attack did to the grass. Perhaps vaporized or burnt, etc. Grass can't really be decimated. #I would have liked more of Nail's thoughts in the first section. Since that section is a retelling of a canon scene, Nail's personal thoughts and whatnot are what make it unique. I didn't get enough of that. #I find it odd that Nail never questioned how all these alien groups knew about the Dragon Balls. #"There was no legitimate potential of threat from these enemies." is just a very poorly worded sentence. #When the aliens asked for Nail to give them the Dragon Ball, he seemed slightly out of character. He should have told them to turn around and leave the planet, and nothing bad would happen to them. #"They all unleashed their guns upon Nail, barraging him with a series of successive yellow blasts that pelted him consecutively." is an awkward sentence. The last part in particular isn't needed. At best, it should be in a separate sentence. #"Nail had taken on a fighting stance, and was prepared to attack." - the comma is unnecessary. #Nail brought up the aliens leaving far too late. Why didn't he ask them to leave before? Killing most of them and then saying how all he wants is for them to leave is just nonsense. #I think the middle section was too long. It didn't need to be described in so much detail and for so long because much of it is purely irrelevant to characterization or plot. I would have liked more of the allotted 1555 words to be spent Nail reflecting on the burden of his position, perhaps even with needing to kill people (which is not desirable) in order to protect Guru. Because of this, I think this story is the one that is most hurt by its word limit. #A scene with Guru after Nail defeated the aliens would have been desirable. If some of the fat of the previous paragraphs had been cut, this would have been possible and it would have allowed for Nail's relationship with Guru to be more pronounced, and thus more impactful to the readers. #The plot with Dende should have been either mentioned or alluded to in the beginning. Saying he was stalling or even just something in his inner voice like "Just a few more seconds..." would have properly set this up. Final Thoughts: On the positives, the fight with Frieza is accurately and interestingly portrayed. The flashback had a few good moments, in that it showed Nail's fighting abilities and his arrogance, giving him a few interesting personality quirks. The parallels of the two fights accurately showed how perilous battle can be and how a hero can easily be turned into a ragdoll against a superior opponent. For the negatives, this story really relied too heavily on the source material. Nail's relationship with Guru isn't really explained, it's just implied that we know and accept it from Dragon Ball Z. It's a missed opportunity, really. Nail didn't have too many inner thoughts which could have made the story richer and his relationship with Guru better explained. I know it's not really explained in the anime/manga aside from Nail just being his guard, but here, in a story where we can see Nail's thoughts, it absolutely should have been on his mind. Additionally, the thing with Dende at the end wasn't foreshadowed or brought up before it was introduced, so it felt very tacked on. Yes, it happened in the show, but again, the show showed scenes of Dende before this so it was foreshadowed there. Nail should have thought about it in the first section. Additionally, the middle section was rather longer than it should have been. The battle did not need to be as long as it was. Considering there as a 1555 word limit to this story, a lot of that section felt like filler. It would have worked better had Nail returned to Guru at the end of the section to give a better idea of his relationship with Guru. Overall, Nail doesn't have enough of an inner voice in this story to be very interesting. His relationship with Guru and his plan to buy Dende time could have been explained better with his own inner voice (thus allowing for him to be characterized). Overall, I found Nail to be very boring in this story. Final Rating: 'B-' '''Misc. Thoughts: *The single best scene so far that I have read is Frieza/Cooler learning about the birds and the bees in the fan fiction REDACTED. Quite frankly, it's legendary. *'My favorite story thus far is Three. My least favorite is Dragonball Unlimated.' *Three, by Destructivedisk, is currently the only story to hold one of the three S ranks. *The most common rating is E- (or R- for comedic stories), which is the worst. *Most people who cannot write a decent story can also not make decent reviews. *The most pros I have ever given in a single review is 44, on my review of the User:KidVegeta page. *A story with good writing and a poor plot is no better than a story with poor writing and a good plot. Stories To Be Reviewed (These are sorted in priority from highest to lowest, but I may review any fic on this list in any order I wish) *Some good CP by NomadMusik *The Rise of Zarbon by Destructivedisk *Dragon Ball Z AT by Constinet gr *Dragon Ball: Saiyan Reunion by Matrixpretty *Dragon Ball Z: Rising Moon by Tsukune sendo *The Innocence of Broly by Goku 484 *Dragon Ball: Legacy of Frieza by Zeon1 *Dragon Ball Z: Masters of Battle by Zeon1 *Six by Destructivedisk *Seven by Destructivedisk *If Only You Knew by Destructivedisk *Goku/Superman All Stars by Deadpool the merc *Like a Well Oiled Machine by WaffleMinifigure *The Terror Of the Androids by Nimbus.69 *Dragon ball battle for justcice update by 108.84.241.129 *Dragon Ball Z: The Lost Book by Lau the G *The Divine Asura by Geti186 *Dragon Ball Z: Legend of Tharos by MajinGogito *Dragonball V by Supersaiyian11 *What is this I don't even... why's it so long by I have no idea who *Dragon Ball: GT Revamp reviews: *Finish AP Category:Blog posts Category:KidVegeta